TRAVEL HUMOR

from Around the Net...and Around the World

"If we couldn't laugh, we'd just all go insane." Jimmy Buffett

When we're "on the road," comedy and humor are sometimes the only things standing between us and tragedy. This section of Island Dreams' web pages is here to bring a smile to your face, while perhaps broadening our perspective of the diverse people of the world around us.

We'll start with a few choice selections from a growing collection of fractured-English signs that have been seen overseas and printed often in the U.S... most recently included in International Travel News.

I get a laugh out of these, but won't forget that I've surely uttered much worse in my efforts to communicate in Spanish or French, much less Bahassa Indonesian! KDK



Now here is a more involved and complex contribution, recently snagged from the Net and submitted to us by none other than In Depth Magazine's .... John Q. Trigger.

From: Jonathan Tappan
To: Multiple recipients of list SCUBA-L
Content-Length: 1186

I live in Tucson, Arizona (USA) and on weekends, we "desert divers" often drive into the Mexican state of Sonora for diving in the Sea of Cortez. Being close to the US border, it is not unusual to find road signs in English, or I should say, broken English. The following was taken from a sign which was photographed by an Arizona diver on a trip to Mexico. I don't know exactly where the sign was found. The text is reproduced here exactly as written on the sign, spelling courtesy of the author himself:

We welcome your interpretations...and your submissions to this lighthearted side of our site. We'd love for you to e-mail your contributions of travel humor...and we'll be glad to credit you on these pages for your sense of the sublime. Contribute your travel humor. So thanks...and more to come!


Here's an interesting tidbit from the Travel-L list. Jack Kolb posted the following definitions for tourists:

............ TERM ................................. TRANSLATION

Old world charm ................................. No bath
Tropical ............................................. Rainy
Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied
Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby
Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes

I'm sure that these special definitions will be helpful in your travels. Let us know if you have any translations to add to the list. Contribute your travel humor. We'll look forward to hearing from you!



The Skiing Accident... or ... "How'd you break your arm?"

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans newspaper, and submitted to us by MGW. The story follows:

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the urgency, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrasing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control and racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and back on to the ski slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk?

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift and suddenly I couldn't belive my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her pants around her ankles, and her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned out to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift and broke my leg."

"So how'd you break your arm?"



Plain Hamburger or Spicy Fajitas?

On a recent trip to Cozumel, a young woman from Texas took a liking to a fellow diver on her dive boat, a good looking blond fellow from the Midwest. For the next few days, her girl friends missed Dorothy's company, but made up for the loss by inviting their Mexican divemaster, Angel, to join them for an evening of revelry at Carlos & Charlies. When Angel learned why Dorothy was missing from the party, his Latin sense of machismo caused him to take personal umbrage at the situation. Angel simply could not understand why, "Dorothy came all the way to Cozumel for hamburger...when she could have enjoyed fajitas?!"



The Eighteen Bottles

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

-- Author unknown, submitted by Darkhorse



Scuba Larry, from Blue Mesa Scuba tells us that, "This really happened on one of our trips to Cayman Brac. We call it:"

"Shelly & the Grouper"

One of our instructors is also an accomplished video photographer. On the last day of our trip, he managed to talk his girlf friend into posing for some "glamour shots." They found a secluded reef and she took off the top of her bikini, but because of the slight current she left it tied around her neck. Again due to the slight current it was waving behind her. A fairly large grouper was observing all this and decided the waving bikini top was simply too appealing to pass up. In one rapid motion he darted in and swallowed her top which was still tied around her neck. The photographer was laughing so hard that he could hardly hold the camera still. I didn't know a fish could swim backward, but this grouper certainly tried. In the meantime the poor model was about to choke. Finally the photographer put his camera down and swam over and yanked the bikini out of the grouper's mouth. The grouper, not to be outdone, swallowed it a second time. Again it was yanked out. At that point the grouper gave up, swam off and left the startled model and her boyfriend to re-assemble everything and get back to the boat. So help me, this actually happened. We have it on video tape and it has provided many hours of laughs at our scuba get-to-gethers.

-- Submitted by Larry, Blue Mesa Scuba



To understand the next ones, submitted by travel agents, you'll need to know that "Fam" is short for Familiarization Trip, wherein travel agents are invited to a new destination to experience its hospitality, amenities, etc. KDK

OK, you asked for it! You want jokes??? I have a joke...it's a little off color but IMHO it's still pretty funny. Hope y'all agree...

A doctor, a lawyer and a travel agent were sitting around one evening when the conversation turned to their dogs.

The doctor said, " my dog must be the smartest dog in the universe. Just watch this. " "Here, Lobotomy," he called and Lobotomy pranced in with a tray of fancy tropical drinks on his head.

"Not bad," said the lawyer, " but my dog can top that." "Here, Plaintiff," he whistled, and in trotted Plaintiff with a giant bowl of shrimp clutched in her teeth.

"I'm impressed," said the travel agent, "but my dog can do better." "Here, Fam Trip," he bellowed. Fam Trip raced in, drank all the drinks, ate all the shirmp, and "made love" to both the doctor and the lawyer.

Submitted by, "DON'T get me started!!!" Dale



In a similar vein...

THE "FAM" TRIP

There is this travel agent that got a heart attack. He was rushed into the emergency room of a hospital where they attempted to revive him.

As things go, his soul left the body and went down to hell. The devil invited him in, and showed him around. Much to his surprise, everyone was having a great time. A Mariachi band was playing loud music, people were dancing, the drinks were flowing, and there was shrimp, roast beef, turkey, and all other kinds of wonderful food and entertainment.

Meanwhile, back in the hospital, the doctors working on him were successful, and they brought him back to life.

Eventually many years later he had another heart attack, but this time it was to late and he was really dead. His soul left the body and once again it arrived at the gates of hell. The devil let him in and this time he saw people moaning and groaning as they shoveled coal into hot furnaces. In great shock at what he was seeing he called the devil over and asked him, "what is going on here?!?" "The last time I came down here there were drinks, and all kinds of food, and everyone was having a great time!"

"Well," the Devil responded, "the last time you were here...you were on a FAM."

Submitted by Joe Goodman



Next we consider some actual Newspaper Headlines, as submitted by Darkhorse at Southwest Texas University:

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

---------------------------



I've seen this next one a few times now, and love it. This version was posted to the Travel and Technology list by Todd Scheven, a Systems Integration Specialist for LANslide Integration Services.

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off....

MacAirways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of lear jets the carrier operates is immense, Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds and, and 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be that Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight system.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in an outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but *all* of them believe they arrived.



We welcome your submissions to this lighthearted side of our site. We'd love for you to e-mail your contributions of travel humor...and we'll be glad to credit you on these pages for your sense of the sublime. Contribute your travel humor. So thanks...and more to come!




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